THIS POST IS A LIST OF SONGS TO PLAY AT MY WEDDING OR FUNERAL, WHICHEVER HAPPENS FIRST

  1. Stan Bush – The Touch
  2. Hugo Montenegro – MacArthur Park
  3. Beck – Where It’s At

That should do it.

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THIS POST IS A LIST OF SONGS TO PLAY AT MY WEDDING OR FUNERAL, WHICHEVER HAPPENS FIRST

IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT OF MY DEATH

No one lives forever. But, as America’s Sweetheart, I consider my many contribution to society to be timeless. My Tweets archived for posterity in the Library of Congress, molecular gastronomy Asian-fusion bistros serve food named for me, children dress in my likeness for Halloween, and you are reading my blog. Somehow must be going right!

So with all this bravado to throw around, it’s time to set up a guideline about funerals and my everlasting memorial in the unlikely event of my death.

I request a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery. Now, I have never served in a branch of the armed forces or meet any of the actual requirements to be buried here. Rest assured, I fully intend to get a ceremonial, participatory President Fitness Challenge, posthumously. While this isn’t as prestigious as a Purple Heart or a Book-It personal pan pizza certificate, the honor will carry with it long-ranging implications.

To properly honor me, I request a small flame near JFK’s Eternal Flame memorial. The flame doesn’t have to be “eternal,”it only has to last 35-40 years. Probably with a propane tank. After it is extinguished, or we run out of propane, or propane is outlawed because of “ozone fracking,” a small LED tea light candle will be placed near the flame receptacle.

Families are welcomed to bring a hot dog or marshmallows to roast on my open flame memorial (please no baked beans, out of respect for the dead). Parking will be validated except on Memorial Day and Veterans Day, as those are the big-money days for parking at the National Cemetery. Just can’t give away parking like that on the power-holidays, you know!

IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT OF MY DEATH

IN THIS POST, I HAVE MY OWN FLEDGLING RELIGIOUS CULT

Reasons why my cult isn’t taking off:

 

  • Non-believers keep taking all the close parking spaces.
  • Can’t get the zealots on my side.
  • Trouble getting my apartment declared a tax-free house of Pagan worship.
  • Robes make followers look fat.
  • Simultaneously too many and also not enough similarities with Scientology.
  • Not as many volunteers for self-castration as I initially projected.
  • It’s hard to find sacrificial virgins in Orlando.
  • Always get the good ideas for chants when in the shower, and forget them when it’s time to write them down.
  • Newly-constructed church is really just a LYNX bus stop shelter.
IN THIS POST, I HAVE MY OWN FLEDGLING RELIGIOUS CULT