THIS POST CONTAINS MY NEW YEAR’S RESOULTION

Always press “No” when asked if I want a receipt at the gas pump. My own bad habit is to drive off immediately after filling my tank. I’ve got places to be, presumably.

Expected time until the resolution is broken: one month.

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THIS POST CONTAINS MY NEW YEAR’S RESOULTION

THE WORST CHRISTMAS GIFT OF THE YEAR, 2016 EDITION

The Avegant Glyph Video Headset is just the thing to make you look like Geordi La Forge in public. Lisen to sounds suction-cupped to your earholes, and video beamed directly into your eyeholes. Also makes quite the fashion statement when worn in public. That statement is, “Please pickpocket me; I can’t see at all with this thing on.” It does convert to boring-looking Beats ripoff headphones.

THE WORST CHRISTMAS GIFT OF THE YEAR, 2016 EDITION

A SHORT LIST OF THINGS ASSEMBLED FOR TRICK-OR-TREATERS

In my neighborhood, Trick or Treat is tonight. I wasn’t prepared. Here is a list of things that I have gathered to give out instead of candy:

  • An 8MB USB flash drive, circa 2001
  • Movie ticket (1) to “Boo! A Madea Halloween”
  • Pencil erasers
  • A car magnet ribbon
  • Empty CD jewel cases
  • Stickers (may be previously applied)
  • Calendars from 2016
  • A copy of last year’s tax return E-File booklet
  • Red Beans and Rice packet
  • Collectible “THIS IS NOT A VALID FASTPASS” tickets
  • Extra ceiling tile w/ corner cutout
  • Taco Bell hot sauce packets (assorted varieties)
  • VHS Disney Movies
  • One full-sized candy bar (essentially, a Frankenstein creation of Mary Janes and Peanut Butter Kisses mashed together because I let the bag melt in my car)
  • Old hats
  • Burned CD-R of Outkast music (and other Atlanta rappers)
  • Torn pages/recipes out of a cookbook
  • A whole bag of clothing that was supposed to be a Goodwill donation
  • Printed copy of this list, preparing for parental complaints
A SHORT LIST OF THINGS ASSEMBLED FOR TRICK-OR-TREATERS

LAST MINUTE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR PROCRASTINATORS, 2016 EDITION

HALLOWEEN is upon us, once again. Time for all manner of tricks, treat, and general mischievousness. Many people toil away for weeks, tirelessly preparing their costumes AND their selfie face for social media. But if you didn’t, this list is here to help you out with some last-minute looks that will make you the star of the Monday Night Halloween party.

Bag Person: This is an original DIY creation of mine. Very simple construction: just wear a white shirt and sweatpants, and staple plastic grocery bags to yourself. Make sure you staple the bags before you put in the costume. And keep in mind that bags are not a toy… I learned that the hard way when I wore a Bag Person costume to a preschool a few years ago.



Any Character from the “Black Mirror” TV show: Did you binge watch Black Mirror and neglect your costume-creation duties? Just dress like any character from the BBC/Netflix show Black Mirror. If anyone takes issue with that, just say you’re a character from Doctor Who.

Your Work Uniform: Always a great choice. It’s quick, it may already be laundered (or not), and should wake up in a pile of your own saliva upon Tuesday are already dressed for your shitty job.

Overtly-Sexulized Industry Worker (or Sexy Anything): After years of going to Halloween parties and seeing countless “Sexy Witches,” “Sexy Firefighters,” “Sexy Femininsts,” “Sexy Pastors,” and “Sexy Nurse Practitioners,” I have come to the revelation that anything can be “Sexified.” Just make sure it’s non-gender specific. Bonus point if you wear a non-sexy version of your costume in real life.

“The Spill:” A highly-conceptual choice. Simply take your favorite outfit, and pour Ragu down your chest (or whatever tomato sauce brand you use). From afar, you’ll give the impression of a zombie or throat-slit hitchhiker, but up close, you’ll just look like a pasta maniac.


Solar Man: Some of the biggest movies this year were about Marvel and DC Comics characters fighting each other. What you may have not seen is Solar Man, the best superhero film of the year direct from North Korea. Solar Man’s main power is that he slowly tans in direct sunlight. Dress in dark clothes with exposed arms, legs, and neck region. Simple.

Harleen Quinzel: Probably one of the biggest costumes for women this Halloween is the Suicide Squad version of this beloved character. But what about before she was under the Joker’s spell, and tossed into a vat of goo, or something? Most of that movie didn’t make sense. Instead, go as the professionally-dressed psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, and stand out from all the other girls who dyed their pigtails in Kool-Aid.

The Koch Brothers: This is a great choice for any duos out there, especially for those hard-to-please senior citizens. All you need is a suit, some dark money, and just to act very secretive. For example, if you’re at a party, just stay away from the other guests and act like an Agoraphobic. No explanation needed.


“Dryclean Only:” Another conceptual costume, just wear anything that is dryclean only. If you need a partner costume, you can make the second person dress as a washing machine.

The Easter Bunny, a Pilgrim, Santa Clause, or Uncle Sam: These are great costumes to rent, and they are usually available at this time of year for a great low rate. This is the zero-creativity option, but a costume is a costume.

    LAST MINUTE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR PROCRASTINATORS, 2016 EDITION