THIS POST IS A LIST OF SONGS TO PLAY AT MY WEDDING OR FUNERAL, WHICHEVER HAPPENS FIRST

  1. Stan Bush – The Touch
  2. Hugo Montenegro – MacArthur Park
  3. Beck – Where It’s At

That should do it.

Advertisements
THIS POST IS A LIST OF SONGS TO PLAY AT MY WEDDING OR FUNERAL, WHICHEVER HAPPENS FIRST

IMAGINE THE LYRICS

Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today… Aha-ah…

Imagine there’s ads on HBO
It isn’t hard to do
Lots of sex and swearing
Selling Budwieser, too
Imagine all the people
Hanging through West World breaks… You…

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine there’s no Uber
I wonder if you can
No Lyft or taxis
Everyone rides bikes instead
Imagine all the people
Arriving late to work… You…

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

Imagine there’s no queso
Or any kind of melted cheese
What do you dip your chips in
Taco Tuesday would be a tease
Imagine all the people
Living with dry, salty mouths… Aha-ah…

Imagine candles weren’t invented
Close your eyes and believe
No Yankee Candles that are scented
No tea lights to receive
Imagine all the people
Using light bulbs instead… You…

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine there’s no aging
The elderly dont exist
Live as long as you want to
You’ll stay young as a twist
Imagine all the people
Living the plot of In Time… You…

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

IMAGINE THE LYRICS

HEY HEY HEY, ROCK AND ROLL IS THE AMERICAN WAY, FOR YOU AND ME

In 1985, the heavy metal world was rocked, metaphorically and pun-intendedly. “Jack Starr’s Burning Starr,” a New York City band that rose to mid-level regional stardom, released their first big album. Rock the American Way surely blazed a trail for mild-mannered hair-rockers, somewhere. Take the back cover:

Extraneous R's R Us

“Play this loud for best results!”

There are no keyboards on this album. No use of locking tremolo on guitar and no use of mention of the word “Baby” in the lyrics!

Such hubris. “Locking tremolo,” by the way, is the wavering note effect on a guitar, and was overused in 80’s music. I’m almost surprised they didn’t proclaim, “There are no harps or glockenspiels used or spoken-word British narration. We keep things all Americany, all the time.”

While omissions of the word “Baby” do check out, there are just as many corny catchphrases stuffed into this half-hour record. “Born to Rock,” “She’s On Fire,” and “Heat of the Night” really repititiously hammer the point home.

There’s also a lot of murky subversion, such as in the “Live Fast, Rock Hard” chorus. “Woman” shows the barest lyric abilities with the lyrics, “Woman, you take my breath away, I say woman, can’t let you get away.” This sounds like a song written with Google Translate.

My favorite track on the whole has to be “Fight the Thunder,” which is truly hardcore. If there is anyone to fight against nature, it’s got to be vocalist Mike Tirelli in a sort-of Lloyd Kaufman-esque fever dream. Or maybe it’s the titular “Rock and Roll is the American Way,” which could fuel anyone’s Rocky training montage. All prominent are that song’s city call-outs (“Pittsburgh” being first, marking the only time Pittsburgh was first at anything).

It might not have the arena-rock vibe they were hoping for, but Rock the American Way might be an deep cut of a by-gone era. I enjoyed listening to it, as I’m sure the 25 other internet weirdos do.

I would also suggest the follow-up album, No Turning Back. Maybe just for the cover art.

HEY HEY HEY, ROCK AND ROLL IS THE AMERICAN WAY, FOR YOU AND ME

THE WORST RAP MUSIC

Rapping is all about living the rich lifestyle, bragging, gold chains, Maybachs, stacks of money, being a former drug dealer, and treating women poorly. But what happens when your raps fail to live up to the genre’s high standards?

This list of ten (and one honorable mention) should show you the cream of the slop. If you want to listen along on Spotify, here is a playlist for you.

Truffle Butter (Featuring Drake and Lil Wayne) by Nicki Minaj – I will let you Google the slang for “Truffle Butter” on your own, but this is not exactly the most enticing offer from Lil Wayne to the world’s females. The beat is catchy, but the lyrics give me great pause. Aside from that, bragging is to be expected in rap at every level, but this is the wrong way to do it, Wayne. Nicki and Drake come away unscathed, but with otherwise boring verses.

World Series by MGK – Opening with gunshots, possibly from real Cleveland. The song also opens with a verse talking about the Cleveland Indians being in the “World Series 8th Inning” (which was almost a century ago). MGK is just keeping his career status quo, which is hyping Cleveland as a murder city and home to thuggish outlaws. Drew Carrey said, essentially, the same thing.

Birthday Song by 2 Chainz – Possibly the worst song Kanye West has ever participated in, Birthday Song is incredibly sexist. Being first place in a “Bad B*tch Contest” is a positive in this carefully-crafted world, and strives to make a case for it (despite a music genre known for sexism/terrible characterization of females). Truly, all Tauheed Epps wants for his birthday is “a big booty hoe.” Don’t we all, Mr. Chainz. Don’t we all.

Clap by Waka Flocka Flame  – Song contains lines like, “I’m a shiny ass role model,” and “Slap her in the booty, with some money.” Future generations, allow yourselves to model your life goals on these genius-level musings.

Ignorant Sh*t (A Cappella [sic] version) by Jay Z – Years ago, I bought a copy of American Gangster on Compact Disk from a library sale in Ohio for a dollar. This is probably the worst song on the album. It’s all about mouthing off to Don Imus, like a playground bully talking about a kid who’s family has already moved to another town and isn’t there to defend himself/herself. But, even with Beanie Sigel’s contributions, it just comes off as whiny. I picked the acapella version, because it sounds even worse stripped-down.

$ave Dat Money (feat Fetty Wap and Rich Homie Quan) by Lil Dicky – Punchline rapper Lil Dicky created a great video with a solid premise (not spending a dime). Bad choices include cutting off Quan’s verse, to arguing with a waiter about iced coffee, and beating the dead horse over and over and over again. Being gifted with a great hook doesn’t mean you squeeze an almost five minute song out of a one-note premise. The same can be said for the whole album.

Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison – Just terrible. Just try to sing this one out loud, and you will wonder why it had any chart traction at all. And then do your best impression of the song. It’s my go-to drunken karaoke track.

Wobble by Leathal Bizzle – UK rapper Maxwell Ansah made a good choice here: keeping a song under 2 1/2 minutes long. That doesn’t make it any less annoying, and when you see the line “Wob-wob, wobbling (x8)” three times in the lyrics, you know this is just a case of failed catchphrase-baiting.

I Don’t F*** With You (Featuring E-40) by Big Sean – Despite the title, I think Big Sean was f***ing with that b****. Just a theory.

Gadget Ho by J-Zone – Never one to mince words, J-Zone has strong opinions about today’s technology and its interference with getting laid. But I’m confused here, because a man so secure in his masculinity, and confident in his sexuality, should have no issue bedding any woman he wants. Technology be dammed, of so it seems.

Honorable Mention: Michael Jackson by Das Racist – My new catchphrase is, “Yeah, I’m f***ing great at rapping!” Most wouldn’t interrupt their flow for this oversimplification, but there it is. Being “f***ing great at rapping” is usually shown, not told. Sadly, the shockwaves from this abomination might have broken up the unorthodox guys that group-birthed the hit song, “Combination Pizza Hut And Taco Bell.”

THE WORST RAP MUSIC